Why We Fight: A Transformative Road Map to Healing Conflict in Any Relationship

Review Quotes:

Why We Fight is a powerful guide to transforming our relationship with conflict. Fighting well is an essential relationship skill, and Kim Polinder compassionately illuminates the patterns we bring into our relationships and helps us cultivate new beliefs and practices. Prepare to become a masterful manager of conflict! - Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist, adjunct professor at Northwestern University, and bestselling author of Love Every Day

"Polinder provides such actionable tools as a step-by-step flowchart for working through conflicts, complete with troubleshooting questions for surmounting common sticking points. Readers who feel stuck in repetitive cycles of conflict with a partner, friend, or family member will be especially enlightened." - Publisher's Weekly

A revolutionary guide to discovering your core wound, examining how it manifests in your life, and navigating conflict in all relationships, from the popular associate therapist and coach @kp_counseling.

Anyone in a long-term relationship knows that fighting is inevitable. Our goal should be fighting well, fighting clean--which is both shockingly hard to do and the basis of a successful partnership. In Why We Fight, relationship coach, couples' therapist, and former Fortune 500 tech engineer Kim Polinder offers a unique and practical process for couples to address the recurring conflicts in their relationships--by helping them understand why they fight in the first place.

If you're sick of feeling out of control as the same old fights keep bubbling up, Why We Fight provides a path to understanding why we experience repetitive arguments and contention in our intimate relationships, and how to change that before it's too late. With Kim's guidance, you will discover your core wound, analyze how that plays out in your life, and follow a series of questions and practices to reframe and implement new behaviors, resulting in an improved relationship with yourself and your loved one.

Before Kim gained her degrees in spiritual psychology and clinical mental health and became a therapist, she spent many years as an IT engineer for a Fortune 500 company. This training taught her to approach problems by seeking the root cause of issues. In these pages, you will learn to:

• identify your core wound(s), which might sound something like 'My feelings don't matter, ' 'I don't belong," or 'My feelings are overwhelming'
• understand your attachment style and how it might be holding you back
• apply basic communication exercises
• undo the 'bad math' of relationships that you absorbed in childhood
• express yourself effectively, not defensively
• figure out the best troubleshooting approach for when conflict emerges, as it inevitably will

Kim's simple, proprietary flowchart system (Step 1: Do I Feel Understood? Step 2: Find a Solution) with straightforward prompts has been a gamechanger for her clients and hundreds of thousands of followers, helping them navigate conflict, regulate their emotions, communication more effectively, and make informed decisions during tough arguments.

Review Citations:

• Publishers Weekly 05/18/2026 (EAN 9780063437692, Hardcover)

Contributor Bio:Polinder, Kim

Kim Polinder is a relationship coach and therapist with more than 600,000 followers across all social media platforms and millions of views of her viral relationship advice videos. Formerly a Fortune 500 tech engineer, she left it behind to follow her passion for psychology and emotional healing. Armed with master's degrees in Clinical Mental Health and Spiritual Psychology, Kim blends techniques from Cognitive-Behavioral therapy and inner child work. Adopted from Korea and growing up in a white Christian family in small-town America led her on a journey of self-acceptance that fuels her empathy for her clients. Kim's mission is clear: to help others heal and create the relationships they desire. She lives in San Diego, California.